Into the light...

It rained here the other night. Heavy. It started after I was already asleep and it woke me up. Sort of. My brain was split between wanting to stay asleep and that sense of urgency that the rain MUST be a problem.
Anxiety Brain: Alert! Rain! Wake up!
Sleepy Brain: What...oh, yeah it's raining...cool...zzz
Anxiety Brain: Ugh! Do something!
Sleepy Brain: zzzz
Anxiety Brain: Think! There's something she needs to do but what IS it? She already got the washing in, so that's not it. Gah! Why won't you wake up and help me?
Sleepy brain: zzzzzzzzzz

My sleep hungry brain had nothing else to offer but my life preserving brain was anxious that I was forgetting something. And this morning I realised that this is how I live my life. In this state of tension between wanting there to not be a problem and the anxiety that there is a problem only my brain is too preoccupied to know it.

I also have a talent for turning something that isn't a problem into one, because...well, I'm not really sure why. This blog for instance, I want to do it, I think. Yet, I keep putting it off. I argue with myself about why I should or shouldn't do it. What I should or shouldn't write. I turn it into this GIANT thing. I tell myself that other people can do this without all the DRAMA and to just do it or don't do it; make a decision and then shut up already.

This my friends is my GAD. My Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I'm sure it'll come in hardy if I'm ever accosted in a dark alley, I can bore my assailant to death with a never ending list of things that could go horribly wrong. But right about now my anxiety is just a giant pain in my rear end.

It is the Grug to my Eep. If you haven't watched The Croods then that won't make much sense. But basically Grug is this caveman dad who sees danger everywhere. It's his job to keep the family safe. And no place is safer than in their cave. He tells cautionary bedtime stories about those who dare to leave the safety of the cave. Stories that always end with certain death. My anxiety delighted in finding a kindred spirit. "See! He gets it. The world is a horrible, dangerous place and everyone is much better off if we just stay in the cave and don't die".

But there is a fly in Grug's ointment. Eep is his rebellious teenage daughter and she is hungry for more than the safety that the cave walls have to offer. She wants adventure and freedom and LIFE! Of course, in the end she gets her way and Grug learns that life outside the cave isn't as bad as he feared and they all live happily ever after. It's a kids movie, after all. We wouldn't want to traumatise the kiddies.

I just love how kids movies can circumvent my carefully acquired cynicism and reach right into my frail adult heart and find all of my weak spots. Yes, I'm terrified of all the bad things, like death and public humiliation and death. But there is a tiny part of me that still has courage to hope for more than just hiding from my worst case scenarios. Darn you, Hollywood!

Writing a blog might not seem like much of a leap but to me it's huge. Maybe writing this blog is a silly idea or maybe it isn't. Maybe I'll be terrible at it and no one will read my posts or maybe I'll be a huge success and then I'll have to pretend that it's awesome and that I love having no time for Candy Crush. Maybe I'll say the wrong thing or make a bunch of errors and maybe the internet will explode with all the trolls trying to beat each other in the contest to see who can be the most vile and unforgiving person in the universe. Gosh, the possibilities are endless...

One thing that's not a maybe...I'm never going to know unless I give it a go.

So here goes...I'm heading out of the cave and into the light. If you don't hear from me again assume the worst...my anxiety will love you for it.